Should I move to Mexico if Sarah Palin runs for president?

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Answered by: Charlie, An Expert in the Political Humor - General Category
In the midst of a successful book tour and the launch of a popular reality TV show, an increasingly common question is being asked across the country: Should I move to Mexico if Sarah Palin runs for president? After conducting highly scientific research with lab coats and maze-exploring mice, the evidence is in and the answer may surprise you. No, you should not move to Mexico.

Firstly, regardless of Sarah Palin's political future, your mother told us she would kill you if you tried to move to Mexico amidst the current violence coming out of the drug wars. To be clear, we could not confirm whether she is truly prepared to literally murder you or whether she meant this in the metaphorical sense, but we got the impression that she was not to be messed with. Therefore, to be safe, we recommend avoiding the possibility altogether by not moving to Mexico.

Secondly, even if it comes to happen that Sarah Palin runs for president, there's a distinct possibility she may not be elected to the office. You didn't think about that, did you pal? You know, it's this same short-sightedness that got you into this mess last time, when Michael Dukakis ran for president and you moved yourself and your entire family--plus the goat puppy farm--all the way north to Alberta. Do you not remember that Dukakis did not in fact win? And there you are, still up in Alberta with no Canadian demand for your aging goat puppies. Do not repeat the mistakes of your past. Or do--what do we care?

Finally, let us assume the Sarah Palin runs for president and--gasp--she wins. Now, let us also assume that, because you apparently do not approve of this woman to the extent that you are willing to take drastic and irresponsible measures to avoid a country that nominates her, you have moved to Mexico. Then, on December 20, 2012, the world is thrust into apocalypse by forces unseen, and the cosmos collapses into itself, destroying the space time continuum and rendering reality as we know it completely and utterly obsolete. In this likely scenario, won't you feel just a little bit silly about the whole I'm-moving-to-Mexico-because-Sarah-Palin-is-running-for-president nonsense? You could have spent those last moments of existence at home in Alberta with your undernourished family, but instead you're training street mutts to pick pocket unsuspecting high school-aged tourists on the streets of Ciudad Juarez when the apocalypse occurs. Reeeeal impressive way to go out, fella.

Finally, you live in Canada; why do you even care who runs for president in the United States?

In conclusion, you had best just take a breath and stay put if and when the day comes in which Sarah Palin announces she's running for president. While a move to Mexico may sound appealing in theory, the reality is that, if your mother doesn't kill you first, you are in fact just moving to a different room on the Titanic a few minutes before the old gal sank.

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